I don't remember how old I was but I know it was from 15 or earlier, since I still lived with my mother. I started having suicidal thoughts on my birthday.
I remember that to "celebrate" my mother took me out to a restaurant. I was so happy to have her attention that I let my guard down. She asked me questions about my brother, about the time he spent on the computer. I said the truth.
When we got home, my mother went down to my brother in the cellar and she started yelling at him and beating him.
I was crying and I think I yelled at her not to beat him.
From that day, I started to hate my birthday because my brother was beaten because of me. Looking back now it was an injustice regardless. No one deserves to be beaten for something like that.
I remember, when I lived with my dad and his fantastic partner, that I made them suffer a lot for my pain and I'm sorry. My eomma once, sitting next to me on the sofa, told me that she would have liked to be able to grasp my pain and free me from it.
It was so comfortable to know that she wanted my well-being and I am so grateful. I remember my father talking to us about how suicide was a selfish act, and it's true, but I said that he didn't understand. It was such a strong pain that you couldn't see any other solution.
I had bad visions, thoughts about it. At first I scratched and bit myself but thank God they were light and it didn't last long. I thank the Lord because, despite the visions, the images I saw, the thoughts, the films I watched on the topic, I never acted accordingly. But I remember crossing the street thinking that someone might finish me. Ironicly it had happened to me for almost 2 days in a row that, while I was crossing the road getting out of the bus, I had actually risked being run over by a car but it stopped in time. I thank God for this.
When I went to live alone I remember that I was painting on canvas and all of a sudden, I found myself dazedly painting my wrist red, as if they were cuts.
This scared me a lot.
The psychologist told me that it could be repressed emotions that came out like this.
Furthermore, I remember that looking at the scissors on the table, on several occasions I actually saw, a clear image in vision, that I was taking the scissors and sticking it in my stomach. This made me uncomfortable with scissors.
For a few years I was afraid to look at them and if it was exposed somewhere, I would hide it from my sight.
Thanks to a classmate of mine who gave me my first beautiful and wonderful little collage scissors, I also purchased some scissors with wings and I can look at them both with joy. Because it's really fun to cut small and precise things, plus they are so beautiful that they give me joy to see them and I thank the Lord for the change. :)
I have been burdened by these thoughts and visions for about 9 years. I remember it was January 1st and I asked a friend of mine for help, who took the time to look for prayers to break these thoughts and came to me to pray. I remember her praying for me for hours, declaring in Jesus' name what the prayers said.
It worked. Since that day about 5 years have passed and I am free, healed.
Praised be the Lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross to save us from all sin and to give us His freedom and peace! Amen.
May the Lord bless you and deliver you as He did with me. In the name of Jesus, amen!
Psalms 34:17-20
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; He protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
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