Dysfunctional mother testimony

I write this testimony in the hope that you will feel known and seen by God. He has more faith in you than you have in yourself and the same goes for me :)

I grew up with a dysfunctional, more precisely narcissistic, mother. I share my experience with you but because of books on psychology, on difficult mothers and actual sessions with the psychologist, I can tell you that I understand that her behavior is due to traumas that she herself has experienced. But I am convinced, as written in the book "Dangerous Personalities" by Joe Navarro, that "you have no social obligation to be tormented or victimized, ever."

So I hope this blog can be a refuge for you where you can read without feeling judged.

I remember that, since I was little, my mother spoke well of us in public but privately she laughed at us or insulted us for the same things.

I also remember that my mother had said, at different times, to two little girls that she would have wanted them as her daughters. I was little and it hurt me a lot. I remember crying in the hallway, hidden from them.

My mother beat us, once so hard that I was shaking and crying on the floor. On that occasion I developed physical dissociation (from which, thank God, I have now been healed for about 3 years).

The beautiful things I remember about my mother are that she read the Bible to us, that she cooked "calzone" for us, that she took us to church, Psalm 56:3-4 that she had put in my room as a picture, being at the sea all day because she liked it, eat fruit by the sea, the pizza with potatoes that she liked, that she took us to the swimming pool and that we drank pear juice together or that once, since there was a boy on a skateboard who intrigued me, she had given me his number.

When I came home from school, she very often got angry with me and I didn't understand why. I tried not to do things that might make her angry but nothing changed and I really didn't understand what I was doing wrong. An argument started by her, I remember that she used all sorts of words to manipulate me into apologizing and I did so, finding myself confused about the reason. When I talked to her about my day, she wouldn't listen.

Then when I started to react by getting angry, she yelled at me, telling me that I wouldn't be a good mother or even a good wife. To make matters worse, she called me a "whore" for the way I dressed, even though I wore short leggings under the skirt. I liked the gothic lolita style because you looked like a Victorian doll, and with cheap clothes from the market, I tried to look like one in a simple way.

My parents ended up divorcing and I thank God infinitely for having put it to my sweet dad's heart to take us in with him and his wonderful partner. It was a Great blessing and liberation.

In the early days, I remember that my brother didn't eat because my mother said that the food they gave us was poisoned...

I admit that because of my experience, I remember waking up cursing my mother for everything she had put me through. My dad and his patner had obviously understood this from my way of speaking when the topic came up and, as good christians, they advised me and encouraged me to forgive her and meet her.

The first attempt, I remember shaking like a leaf with fear and crying in the bathroom before going out. I was afraid of my mother. 

When I was young I also had nightmares where she wanted to kill us. I went. I tried to explain my situation to her and she defended herself. She told me that she had suffered and that therefore perhaps I had not felt her affection. I was 14-15 years old, I thought it was a long time not to feel a mother's love but I didn't say it.

She made a turn of words to make me apologize for not feeling her love but I didn't. 

Enough gaslighting.

This is not just me, she has done the same over the years with my brother, without ever apologizing to him.

That was enough for me, I wanted nothing to do with her. My parents left me alone for a while and then good-naturedly came back to talk to me about the topic of forgiveness.

Over the years I have tried to meet her several times and it changed from being afraid of her, even in my dreams, to starting to be angry and confront her. In fact, in her dream she had quoted a scripture from the Bible to put the sense of guilt but in the dream I had grabbed her by the shirt and I had quoted a biblical verse about it to silence her (Holy Spirit). In fact, even in reality I remember that her Bible was full of highlighted and underlined verses about punishing people.

I had the 10 commandments in my room, thanks to her, and obviously she used honoring your parents against me, which she told me I didn't do.

I had nightmares about it where the devil counted my every failure and God counted my good deeds and even a nightmare where a demon came to take me while my mother watched me smiling on her bed, without helping me. In short...

It was a heavy burden.

In fact, I am writing to you because if that commandment has been a burden for you too over the years, I want the Lord to free you from this burden today.

3 years ago, my parents finally told me that they understood that it was not the time, that I should pray for my mother (Matthew 5:44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.) and for me and that one day if the Lord wills, we will be able to have a relationship. This was a huge relief for me, furthermore the Lord had also made me have dreams where He reminded me to bless her.

But those feelings of guilt returned. I attended a Sozo Art in church a few years ago, hence the painting you saw above, and it turned out that I felt unfair towards God because of this sin and that He wanted to change my way of thinking and see how He sees me. It was comforting and of relief.

A month ago the weight came back because I received a postcard from her. Before I got angry reading it, this time, when I read that she wanted a relationship mother and daughter, I thought that I would want a mother who loves me and that we can't all have what we want. Some time ago, when I gave in to a letter from her and we met, she arrogantly told me that she wanted to see who of the two had the harder head and that she had won. She has also clearly insulted my intelligence in recent encounters as she often did in the past.

In fact, my stepmother💖 often told me that I was intelligent but I didn't believe it. Only after God wanted me to take an IQ test, seeing the result, I burst into tears thanking the Lord because I was really smart! So I cut ties from there to prevent her from hurting me. We tried to contact each other on social media but I wasn't at peace. So I wrote to her that I didn't want to have a relationship until the Lord healed both, because I don't like getting angry with her and making her suffer either.

My partner and my childhood friend, knowing about the letter, asked me if maybe I should try to reconnect. So I began to (crumble) doubt my choices, to feel accused and fear that I was against God's will. However, as they both later told me, they have not experienced what I have experienced and even if I tell it in words they cannot truly understand it, since they have not experienced it.

So for a few weeks I prayed to the Lord to tell Him how I felt about it and towards Him. 

My feeling was that I didn't have to worry and that He loved me, but I was afraid of hearing only what I wanted. It seemed like the Lord was telling me to focus on what He is doing for me in the present and what He has in store for me in the future. But in doubt I asked myself if He was referring to what He wanted me to do. I kept thinking that I should actually try to have a relationship with her through postcards, as my friend suggested, but the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't think of anything to write to her or anything I wanted to read from her.

After all these weeks, the Lord then gave me a dream and a biblical verse that I went to look for, because I didn't remember what was written in it and I understood.

The dream showed me and my partner as Mal and Ben from Disney's Descendant and I had a wedding dress, water behind us (one of the symbols of the Holy Spirit), there was light, it was a serene image.

I haven't watched Descendant in at least 1 year and I wasn't thinking about it, so I think it's inspired. In the movie, Mal understands that her mother doesn't love her and she goes towards who truly loves her. Even though she distances herself from her mother, she wishes no harm for her.

I wish no harm on my mother because I wouldn't want to suffer for my mistakes either. 

Even if humanly it happens, but God has freed us and we are no longer subject to the law.

In fact, the verse that the Lord brought to me is Galatians 3:9-13

So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith. For all who rely on the works of the law are under a curse, as it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law.” Clearly no one who relies on the law is justified before God, because “the righteous will live by faith.” The law is not based on faith; on the contrary, it says, “The person who does these things will live by them.” Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a pole.”

By law means the law given by Moses. So also the 10 commandments.

Romans 3:20

Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.

The law was created to open our eyes to sin and bring us closer to God, that's important, but we are saved by faith. Jesus died on the cross for you and me to free us from this burden.

So I'm sharing some good news with you! God loves you! He knows your situation and it is not by your own strength, nor through the fulfillment of the law that you will feel light, but it is by reminding and accepting by faith the grace of God upon your life.

Obviously we must not pursue evil, what I want to say is: get closer to God, cultivate your relationship with Him. 💖 If things move it will not be because of your strength, or mine, but because of the Holy Spirit who moves in us. 💪🏻💖

Zechariah 4:6

So He said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.

Psalms 118:24

The Lord has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad.

Psalms 27:13

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

May God bless you and give you peace! :) You are forgiven and He loves you!💖