Based on a true story, where a princess, before meeting her handsome prince, ended up in the clutches of a dark lord, but do not fear dear readers because the happy ending wins.
Through one of my school friends, I met a guy. This guy was much older than me but he seemed kind. We know that appearances are sometimes deceiving.
This person, unlike me, drank a lot and smoked weed constantly.
We were still at the beginning when one evening, he took me to the river and... touched me. I wasn't ready, despite my 19 years, but due to the physical dissociation I had at the time I couldn't defend myself. In fact, it was as if I had "disconnected" and saw the scene in the third person.
My brain started working: I was a good girl, I couldn't let just anyone touch me, so I decided to force a relationship. By doing so, I opened the doors to physical violence and insults. I experienced intimacy in pain. It didn't matter if I didn't want to, or if I was in pain. He wouldn't even look at me, I was just an object. As if that wasn't enough, he demolished my self-esteem, both inside and out and he often scolded me, even though I tried to propose compromises.
When God blessed me by parting our paths, I knew I wanted true love and to be treated with respect. But I hadn't yet metabolized my experience. A few years later, I had recurring nightmares in which I experienced abuse. With the help of a trauma expert who helped me through the process, I had to learn to accept my past. It wasn't easy, but I'm grateful that the Lord encouraged me along the way, about how He saw me and what He had in store for me.
I remember that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't imagine being in a healthy relationship, much less imagine someone truly loving me. But the Lord showed me in a dream and in a vision what a "touch" from the man He had chosen for me would be like: it was a delicate, tender touch, which made me feel like a precious person.
This moved me to tears and I cried to the Lord because it was so beautiful that I couldn't believe it could be true and I feared it was a deception.
Only later did I understand that it was reality and that there was more to surpass my imagination and fantasy. :)
Since I had experienced my being a woman as being a piece of meat, not only because of the dysfunctional relationship, but also because of the actions of others towards me (once I had my eyes closed on the train and when I opened them because of the sensation on my arm, I saw a guy who stared at me seriously while he rubbed himself against me. Or the bus driver who I greeted thinking he was a family man who, meeting me on the street, placed one hand behind my neck and with the other he hold firm my arm, while asking me to go and have a drink with him. In short, not reassuring behaviour).
For these reasons I began, on the train and on the bus, to develop a sense of anxiety when I found myself "imprisoned" near boys. This made me uncomfortable and although I tried to maintain control, with posture and facial expressions, my body sent me various psychosomatic symptoms to warn me that something was wrong.
So I talked about it with the expert and she suggested that, when possible, I had to go where there where other women. I listened to it and the results were good. Thank God.
But I still had one question: How could I find the love of my life if I was afraid of boys?
I really didn't know what to do.
I forced myself to try, to go out with some guy, things weren't easy but I trusted that the Lord would help me (because of the encouraging dreams that only He could give me).
I still remember my sweet eomma telling me that Prince Charming wouldn't ring my doorbell.
On the train I began to notice a boy who came to my school. I always saw him alone and wondered if he had any friends. I prayed to the Lord for 3 months, asking Him if it was appropriate to go and talk to him or if He would bring other people. I didn't want to get in trouble.
Talking about it and praying about it with some friends, I finally gathered courage and went to talk to him. Guess what? Several times my stomach sent me signals to remind me to maintain boundaries, limits, but do you think I listened to them? No. :')
Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
I am sure that the Lord has taken into account my experiences and shortcomings. I voluntarily ignored the red flags, naively hoping to be wrong and I arrived at the fateful evening where he introduced me to his friends, all except one: Kilian, who had not been able to come and I had only heard via Whatsapp audio.
That evening, the famous ignored red flags bore fruit.
The boy, by putting his hands on my back, even if he had no bad intentions, and saying certain things, together with his friends, which "triggered" in me the trauma.
I arrived home crying, with flashbacks of the evening and my past pains. Horrible.
At a certain point, Kilian contacted me, feeling responsible, as the leader of the group, for what had happened in his absence. He had been very kind.
Convinced by everyone, we met again with the group and so I met him in person too. Kilian didn't seem to look at me, and because of my fear, that was something I really appreciated.
From there, because I had ignored other red flags, I started to fall apart. I ended up walking away, I didn't want anyone to come near me anymore.
Imagine a companion, despite the hope for the future, I was crying to God because I couldn't handle things.
Calmly, Kilian told me that he was there for me if I needed it. I explained to him my situation and that I no longer wanted to be part of the group. He waited some time before contacting me again to see how I was doing. It was a nice thing because I felt that he was genuinely interested, that it came from his heart.
So we started talking on the phone and getting to know each other better. I really liked what he said, he was mature, intelligent and had quoted the woman according to Roberto Benigni, who had taken inspiration from the Bible. :)
I was falling in love.
One day Kilian came to my house and rang the doorbell.
He wanted to give me his Christmas present, but I wasn't home. So I invited him to dinner and for Christmas, he gave me the rose from Beauty and the Beast, explaining to me why he saw me as the rose. It was a very kind gesture and a very deep thought.
So we started seeing each other in person more often.
He kept his distance, zero physical contact and never looked me in the eye at first, only after a while into the conversation. This made me feel at ease and I ended up falling more and more in love with him. :)
I tried to understand if he also felt the same way about me, but I wasn't sure because, despite all the time he dedicated to me, he said, when his family asked him, that I was just a friend to him. But while praying to the Lord, one morning I woke up with the strong feeling of having to look back at the prophys that the Lord gave to a friend of mine and to me about future partners. I started writing on a separate piece of paper all the things I read that reminded me of him: the initial of his name, hobbies, family,... and I was surprised, but the further confirmation was hidden in his Christmas present: the Lord had shown it to us some time before.
You should know that I love Disney, but Beauty and the Beast is not one of my favorite stories so I'm sure that Kilian hadn't heard me mention it, much less had he seen it at my house (where however he saw several things about Aladdin and a Little Mermaid mug). However, the confirmation came precisely from this gift as in a prophecy asked of the Lord, He had shown a Christmas scene in which my partner had the rose from Beauty and the Beast (we thought it was a metaphor) and that he described me as if I were the rose.
That is, no coincidences, yes God-incidences! =)
Then the day came where I told him my feelings, sending him a song along with an explanation. For me it was very clear, but for my beautiful little darling and the family members with whom he had shared it... no.
We met to talk about it and I explained my feelings to him better while he told me he had listened to the song all day in the hope that I would love him back too! Beautiful. :)
Trauma healed by Love
He, sweetly, in my respect, didn't dare to initiate physical contact, not even holding hands, so I did it and it was very tender. He respected and fully respects my consent. Do you remember the "touch" the Lord showed me in dreams and visions? Well, after 3 years of relationship, I can confirm that it is true, it has been there from the beginning and continues to be there: he caresses me with love, reminding me that I am precious to him and so also to the Lord. :)
There have been situations where, by force of circumstances, I was confronted with my traumas. The first 2-3 months in particular, I had several panic attacks and nightmares where instead of seeing my sweet love, I saw that other one. But by talking about it together, both praying about it and with love, the worst is over.
Now I don't have those flashbacks anymore. I still happen to be afraid of meeting that person on the street, but I trust that God will give me victory over this too.
Because, with the bus driver I was telling you about, who had scared me, first when I saw him (after some times) I cried out of fear but, after listening to audio clips of Christian girls healed from similar traumas, I started to feel anger towards this man (one of the steps towards healing). Therefore I trust that the moment will also come where I will walk calmly.
In the meantime I thank God because He has given me more than I hoped for. In fact, a little wish of mine, which I had put aside, was for my boyfriend to lift me up and God knows, I didn't ask him and he did it, filling me with great joy.
So I share this testimony with you today: It doesn't matter how broken you think you are or how afraid you are of boys. As my romantic dad once wrote to me: Love always finds its way to be together. Plus, you have God on your side!
You are His Precious daughter and He rejoices in giving you good gifts, in which to experience His love in a new way. You have Value and you are Important: the best is yet to come! :)
Everything has its time, your prince is already on his way, continue to hope and you will see the goodness of the Lord on the land of the living! (Psalm 27:13) :)
Habakkuk 2:35
"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." <3
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